An Anti-Man-Hugger's Manifesto

And so, there I was, trapped in one of the most awkward situations known to man - the pre-hug hesitation. Standing opposite me was an old acquaintance from college who I had not seen for several years. It was the perfect storm - I went for the handshake/Bro-Hug combo, he went for the Total Embrace. Hence, we found ourselves in the pre-hug hesitation, where two parties move in for different hugs, then each tries to quickly switch to the other person's hug. You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there.

When a well-intentioned hug goes awry.

It was my own fault for putting myself in that situation. I had agreed to go to my brother's house-warming party, which was destined to turn out bad for me. Don't get me wrong, my brother knows how to throw a great party, but they're the kind of party where every girl there falls into one of two categories: hot girl who's at the party with her boyfriend or the hot girl's D.U.F.F. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). There's no in-between.

So what do I do at a party like this? Exactly what any other guy in my situation does - grab a beer, make small talk with total strangers or reconnect with old friends and make a futile attempt to find out if there's any attractive single ladies interested in seeing my antique camera collection. It's reconnecting with these old friends and acquaintances that proves to be perilous. I'll be the first to admit that I'm somewhat socially awkward. I'm not some weirdo that nobody wants to hang out with, but I don't really like hanging out with a bunch of people I don't know. I'll talk more about that in a future post.

To me, the hug is the most dangerous form of greeting. It seems that there are generally four main hugs that dominate society:

1. The Bro-Hug - My personal favorite. A quick lean-in, tap on the back and...release. Easy. Foolproof. You can even get fancy and combine it with a handshake. It's virtually impossible to mess up and should be the default greeting method of all Americans. 
2. The Side Hug - Easy, difficult to mess up, but not really authentic. Works better with girls (especially someone else's girlfriend, who you don't want to get too involved with) than with guys (just feels weird). You literally just stand next to each other and throw an arm around the other person and you have successfully executed the Side Hug. The only downside to it is lack of authenticity.
3. The Halfway Hug - Super awkward. It's not a Total Embrace. It's not a Bro-Hug. You sorta lean in, make sure the sides of your heads don't touch and hold for a limited amount of time. Treacherous because the other person could easily be thinking it's a Total Embrace, in which case you go to release and they hold on, resulting in the awkward "you're hugging me but I'm not hugging you" situation. Even when executed properly, it's the least normal of the hugs because you're saying, "I'm not really comfortable hugging you and we should probably shake hands, but we'll just half-ass it." I hate the Halfway Hug.
4. The Total Embrace - You don't hold anything back. You both go in, arms wide open, and you hug the crap out of each other. Heads are allowed to touch. Heck, you can bury your face in their shoulder if you want to. The only people who use this are (some) super close friends and (most) overly friendly strangers. I have exactly one friend who I'm comfortable doing an Total Embrace with. We do it every time we see each other and it's totally natural. As previously noted, one should not engage in the Total Embrace unless they are COMPLETELY sure it's not a Halfway Hug.

I'm sorry, but hugs are overrated. Don't get me wrong, I love hugging the ladies. But if you're a guy, I probably have no interest in hugging you. Certainly no more than a Bro-Hug. My problems with hugs are probably exacerbated by my stature. I'm really tall, so most hugs (aside from the Side Hug) turn into either a.) Getting hugged around the waist, or b.) The awkward "ass-out" variation of any of the above listed hugs. For a tall, semi-awkward person, hugs (especially with a complete stranger), are a tactical nightmare. Do I go high or low with my arms? Do I just let them hug my waist or do I bend over? Is this a Halfway Hug or a Total Embrace? Why aren't we just Bro-Hugging? What ever happened to handshakes?

So as my old acquaintance and I did the pre-hug hesitation, we ended up, of course, in the Halfway Hug. His response? "Wow, stop being awkward!"

I hate the Halfway Hug.