Why Progressives Rule!

Like I said yesterday, I'm not posting anything new today - from me. Today on Things Doug Thinks, we have our very first guest writer! And by guest writer, I mean I copied and pasted an article I found online. From the brilliant mind of Greg Gutfeld, circa 2007. You can find the original here. Enjoy.


At the Campaign for America's Future "Take Back America" news conference this week, no one uttered the word "liberal." Instead, they used "progressive." Weird. Are progressives taking over the left? Or are liberals these days refusing to define themselves as liberal? It is, after all, a term that scares children, the elderly and anyone else who remembers Jimmy Carter.
Progressive, it is then.
Some advocates will explain, probably in between bites of organic rice cakes, that progressivism is a broader way of thinking - an orientation that rises above the usual right vs. left dynamic. The adjectives used sound positively delightful: "advanced," "pioneering," and "free-thinking!"
It's those words, no doubt, that will lure a grad student into bed. Of course, you'll get crabs, but it'll be worth it - even microorganisms deserve a chance for social justice!
Speaking of disease: from a medical perspective, "progressive" means "increasing in severity "- a cancerous term for "you're screwed." Which, I think, fits nicely as the political definition of progressive. Because, frankly, being a progressive is every bit as poisonous as being a liberal. A progressive has no prescription for economic growth, because progressives hate capitalism and people who make money. Progressives cannot argue coherently about foreign policy, or Iraq, because their innate pacifism prevents them from offering any alternatives beyond bedwetting. They cannot talk about poverty or crime - for they are incapable of addressing the idea of personal responsibility. And, as every progressive knows, all evil in the world can be linked to corporate America - the invisible hand that controls all, while punching children in wheelchairs.
Progressives - hilariously- still promote income redistribution. They see your paycheck as public property. They call this social justice - more code for "you're screwed."
Progressives, indeed, are so sensitive that they cry before, during and after sex. I'm also told they can get you on any roller coaster, regardless of height restrictions.
Don't call me a liberal, say progressives, even though- funnily enough, progressives are just liberals in sheeps clothing. Which, if anything, makes them more fun in bed.