Confessions of a Wannabe Libertarian

Thomas Jefferson - An original libertarian

Yes, I admit it: I desperately want to be a libertarian. Not in the same way that I want to be a professional basketball player. I have neither the requisite athleticism nor the dedication to be a professional athlete of any sort. A libertarian, though, I could definitely be.

Sometimes I even dress up like a libertarian and walk around and talk to random strangers like a libertarian. I revel in the uncomfortable, squirmy demeanor they take on when they realize that it's impossible to successfully argue against me. I'll calmly take out my pocket-size constitution, point out the folly of their belief and then laugh hysterically as they deal with a world that has just been turned upside down. Yes, I desperately want to be a libertarian.

Why Progressives Rule!

Like I said yesterday, I'm not posting anything new today - from me. Today on Things Doug Thinks, we have our very first guest writer! And by guest writer, I mean I copied and pasted an article I found online. From the brilliant mind of Greg Gutfeld, circa 2007. You can find the original here. Enjoy.

The Greatest Anti-Global Warming Article You'll Ever Read (Maybe)

If one more cow farts, the bear and the ice cube die.

Let me start out by saying man-made global warming is one of the greatest scams ever pulled off. It's brilliant, really. It has set mankind out to destroy the most successful economic system in the world. It has set mankind out to hate all the things that make life better. It has actually set mankind out to destroy our own species.

I know, I know. Global warming has been covered ad-nauseum. It's boring. I get it. But it's the boring stuff that will kill you. This is the most serious issue in generations and effects the entire world. As soon as one side convinces you that it's boring and it's not worth fighting, they have won. 'An Inconvenient Truth' didn't have to be masterfully directed or interesting. All it had to do was throw the idea out there and then lull you to sleep.

Disclaimer: I don't dispute that global warming exists. If the temperature is collectively moving upwards, then you have global warming. What I question is the idea that man is causing it. I'm going to cover a lot here. Stay with me. If you believe in man-made global warming, that's fine, but keep an open mind.

My Issue With Michele Bachmann

"I know! My husband (left) always laughs like that!"

No, my issue with Michele Bachmann has nothing to do with the fact that her first name has only one "l" and her last name has two "n"'s, although I do find that highly annoying. My issue with Michele Bachmann is that I'm afraid she'll turn into Barack Obama.

Wait, what?

That's right, Barack Obama. Here's why.

Dress For The Job You Want, Not The Job You Have

"Seriously, how awesome do I look right now!?!"

So as the rebels press onward in Libya and take/don't take Tripoli and capture/don't capture Gaddafi's sons and are winning/aren't winning, it's apparent that the media doesn't know what exactly is going on over there. Meanwhile, the fighting continues to ramp up in Syria, but details of said fights are almost non-existent. And while President Obama was eager to lob some explosives at Gaddafi right away, he's been less eager to do so with Syria's President Bashar al-Assad. Why?

Well, as it turns out, the reasoning is quite simple: al-Assad doesn't look like the crazy dictator that Muammar Gaddafi does. Gaddafi comes across as a wanna-be celebrity dictator with his designer shades and his elaborate robes. If you didn't know any better, you would think al-Assad was heading to a job interview. With a clean-cut look and a nice suit, the only knock on him is his freakishly long neck (seriously, look at that thing). While his time may come, for now his comparatively normal looks have kept him alive.

President Bashar al-Assad

Of course, this is a crazy theory, right? Right? Well, it's happened before. Let's take a quick look at history.

Not long ago, the U.S. was faced with a similar quandary - should we take out Iraq or Iran? Both were big on threats and neither were strangers to UN sanctions. Both nations were led by crazy, cruel dictators (or at least quasi-dictators) and were rumored to have weapons of mass destruction. When it was all said and done, who did the U.S. end up attacking?

Who are you gonna bomb, the guy with the charming smile or the homeless guy on the right?

You got it, the crazy looking one.

I guess the lesson for all you aspiring dictators out there is this: Don't dress the part. If you look like a crazy dictator, you'll get bombed like a crazy dictator. A nice suit and some attention to grooming will go a long ways toward not getting blown up.